Added: Khalif Mohammed - Date: 21.04.2022 11:24 - Views: 11793 - Clicks: 6847
Research shows that relationships are built from interactions, and interactions are built from moments. A critical moment in an interaction is when one person wants something from the other one.
Wants can be communicated in many ways. Gaze, touch, tone, facial expression, posture, and action speak volumes. Whether verbally or nonverbally, some people express their wants clearly, but many do not.
The more important a want is, the more likely it will leak out slowly, or be expressed with a lot of distracting add-ons and emotional topspin. Think of a ificant relationship, at home or at work. How clearly have you expressed your own wants in it? How do you feel when the other person makes a sincere effort to give you what you want? Out of self-interest, doing this is the best odds way to get off their radar, build goodwill, and take the moral high ground.
Out of benevolence, doing this is kind and caring. Everyone is scared and hurting, not just me. Of course, I do not mean giving people things that would harm them, you, or others. Nor do I mean giving up asking for what you want. In essence this practice is about an inner freedom. You are free to decide what is reasonable in what the other person wants and what you are going to do about that. You are free to disentangle yourself from your emotional reactions to their wants.
And free to live by your own code, honoring your own values and perceptions of reality, no matter what others do. Find out what they really want. Sort through the surface clutter to the real priority for the other person.
What could be the softer, deeper, younger longing? Perhaps ask questions like: What is important to you here? What would it look like if you got what you wanted? Most people want pretty straightforward things: Put the cap back on the toothpaste. Ask me questions each day about myself, and pay attention to the answers. Be nice to me. Keep being my lover even while we raise children. Pull your weight with housework. Stick up for me with others.
Be interested in how I feel.
Once you have a pretty clear idea about what the person wants, decide for yourself what if anything you are going to do. And remember that giving others what they want is usually a good way to take of yourself. Personally, it was a great breakthrough to realize that giving others what they wanted was not knuckling under to them. Rather, it was a kind of triple-bonus aikido move that tapped into my caring for people while pulling me out of conflicts and putting me in the best position to ask for what I wanted myself.
Pick something reasonable and just give it to the other person for an hour or a week without saying a word about it, and see what happens. Pick something else and see what happens. When you like, also talk about your own wants. This practice may seem like a high bar.
You are still taking care of your own needs and not letting people push you around.
Very sweet! Rick Hanson, Ph. Become a subscribing member today. Scroll To Top. Get the science of a meaningful life delivered to your inbox. About the Author. Rick Hanson Rick Hanson, Ph. This article — and everything on this site — is funded by readers like you.
Give Now.I only want to give
email: [email protected] - phone:(205) 706-8913 x 5027
Beware the One-Sided Friendship